Holidays alone
The lights go up in other people’s windows, and your table is set for one. This page helps you get through a holiday alone on your own terms: how to handle the weeks before, plan the holiday, find company if you want it, and look after yourself the day after.
When everyone else is celebrating
Holidays arrive whether you’re ready or not. There are lights next door, carols in the grocery store, and cards on the counter that picture a full table. Maybe you’re spending the day alone this year. Your children may live far away, or call briefly, or be busy with families of their own. Someone who knew all the old jokes may be gone. Plenty of good, well-loved people spend holidays alone, and this year you’re one of them.
You don’t have to fake cheer you don’t feel. A holiday spent alone is still a day in your life, and it says nothing about how loved you are. It can be a hard day, an ordinary day, or, with some planning, a day that has a few good hours in it. Most people find that the dread before a holiday is worse than the day turns out to be, and the planning on this page is meant to help with both.
This page works for any holiday that’s hard to spend alone: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s Eve, Easter, the Fourth of July, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or a birthday or anniversary that used to be shared. The details change, but the steps stay much the same.
Why the weeks before a holiday can be harder than the day
For many people, the hardest part of a holiday alone is the run-up. The day is one day. The weeks before it are full of reminders: ads with big families around a turkey, songs in every store, and neighbors loading cars with gifts. Each reminder can feel like a small poke at a sore spot.
Then there’s the question everyone asks: “What are your plans for the holiday?” The cashier asks it, the hairdresser asks it, and people at church ask it. They mean well, but it can still sting. It helps to have an answer ready, so you aren’t caught off guard. You could say, “I’m keeping it simple this year,” or “I’ll be at home, and I’m planning a nice meal.” If you’d like company and you trust the person, you could say, “I don’t have plans yet. Do you know of anything going on?” You don’t owe anyone a full explanation.
You can also limit the reminders a little. Turn off the holiday music station if it hurts, skip the shopping mall in December, and give yourself permission to put the cards in a basket instead of lining them up on the mantel. On the other hand, if some of the season’s traditions still bring you comfort, like a favorite carol or the lights on your street, keep them. You get to choose which parts of the season you keep this year.
How to plan a holiday alone
A plan written down a few days ahead can make a holiday alone feel much more manageable. When the day has a shape, you’re less likely to spend it waiting for the phone or comparing your window to the one across the street. Keep the plan simple, and include something to look forward to in each part of the day.
The morning
Start the day with something comforting and a little different from usual. That might be a special breakfast, like pancakes or the good coffee, a walk while the streets are still empty, a church service, or a phone call to someone you love. If mornings are hard for you, keep this part very gentle, and get dressed even if you’re not going anywhere. It helps the day feel like a day.
The meal
Eat the meal you actually want, even if it’s small and nothing like the ones in the ads. Some people like to cook a traditional dish they love, like stuffing or a particular pie. Others prefer something easy and favorite, like soup and good bread, or takeout from a place they enjoy. Set the table, use a nice plate, light a candle, and put on music. A nicely set place for one is a kindness to yourself.
The afternoon
Afternoons on a holiday can feel long, because that’s often when families gather. Plan one thing to get you out of the house or into some activity. You could go for a walk, watch a movie you’ve been saving, work on a puzzle, visit a cemetery to bring flowers to someone you miss, or call another person who’s alone. If there’s a public event, like a parade, a concert, or a community meal, you could go for an hour.
The evening
Give the evening a gentle close. Watch a favorite holiday film, read a book you’ve been looking forward to, take a bath, or write a letter to someone. Pick a time to stop checking the phone or social media, too, since photos of other people’s gatherings are hard to see on a day like this, and comparing is easy and almost never helps. The page on long evenings at home has more ideas for the hours after supper.
Here is what one written plan for a Thanksgiving alone might look like. Yours can be shorter, longer, or completely different.
- 8 a.m.: have coffee in the good mug and watch the parade on TV.
- 10 a.m.: call my sister before her house fills up.
- Noon: walk to the park and back, and wave to anyone who’s out.
- 2 p.m.: roast a chicken breast, make the cranberry sauce Mom used to make, and set the table with a candle.
- 4 p.m.: start the new library book.
- 7 p.m.: watch the old movie I’ve been saving, then put the phone away for the night.
Write the plan on a piece of paper and put it on the refrigerator. When the day comes, you don’t have to decide what to do next. Just look at the paper. And if the plan doesn’t fit the mood you wake up in, it’s fine to change it.
If you’d like company on the holiday
Wanting someone at the table is normal, and you don’t have to make the wish go away before you can enjoy any part of the day. If you’d like company, start looking a few weeks ahead, because many plans are made early.
Asking someone you know
If there’s a person you feel safe with, one true sentence is enough: “It’s going to be a slow day here, and I’d love to hear your voice,” or “I’ll be on my own this year. Would you like to have pie together in the afternoon?” They might already have plans, and that’s all right. A no usually just means a busy day on their end, and you can suggest another day in the same week.
Joining another table
Some families and churches welcome guests who’d otherwise be alone. If a friend or neighbor has invited you before, you can let them know you’re free this year. If someone invites you, it’s fine to say yes even if you’re nervous. You can bring a dish, stay for the meal, and go home when you’re tired.
Community meals and church dinners
Many churches, senior centers, and community groups host holiday meals that are open to anyone. These can be warm, easygoing places to spend a few hours with other people. Your local library, Area Agency on Aging, or a church bulletin may list them. Call ahead to ask about times and whether you need to sign up.
Volunteering
Helping out on a holiday is a good way to spend the day with people and feel useful. Food pantries, shelters, hospitals, and community meals often need extra hands. Holiday volunteer spots tend to fill up early, so call a few weeks ahead. If the holiday is fully booked, ask about the days before or after, when help is still needed.
Phone and video calls
If family lives far away, set a time for a call ahead of the holiday, rather than waiting to see whether they’ll remember. You could say, “I’d love to see the kids on Christmas morning. Could we do a video call around 10?” A call already on the calendar is easier to look forward to than one you’re only hoping for.
This site won’t teach you how to make anyone feel they have to come, since everything here is about your own mind. If a voice inside calls you pathetic for being alone on a holiday, remember that it’s speaking from fear and has turned unkind. You can answer it: “I’m alone this year, and I’m taking good care of myself.” The mind control room has more on working with your own thoughts.
Old traditions, new ones, and the empty chair
If you’re spending a holiday alone after a loss, the traditions can feel very heavy. You may be tempted to skip everything, or to do everything exactly as before so the day feels less strange. Either choice is fine, and many people land somewhere in the middle. You might keep one tradition that still comforts you, like the old ornaments or a family recipe, and let others go for this year.
Some people like to honor the person who’s missing in a small, specific way. You could light a candle at the table, cook their favorite dish, look through photos, or write them a letter and keep it in the box with the decorations. Others find it easier to start something new, like a holiday walk at a park they never visited together or a movie marathon in pajamas. There’s no right way to do it.
When the date marks the anniversary of a loss, that page is written for you. The National Institute on Aging’s page on grief, linked at the bottom of this one, also explains what grief can feel like and where to find support. If the holiday reminds you of a whole circle of friends who have moved away, after friends moved may help too.
When a holiday stirs up something heavier
Sometimes a holiday stirs up a low mood too, and it’s hard to tell whether you’re lonely, sad, grieving, or something heavier. A sad day or two around a holiday is common. If the heaviness lasts past the holiday for two weeks or more, or it comes with trouble sleeping, a loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, or a feeling of hopelessness, tell your doctor. Read the depression room too, including rainy Sundays.
If you take an antidepressant or any other prescribed medicine, keep taking it through the holiday as prescribed, even if the day feels pointless and your routine is off. It can help to set a phone alarm or keep the pill bottle by the coffee maker so the change in schedule doesn’t throw you off. Talk with your doctor before changing anything. A walk, a hymn, or a nicely set plate can be a small kindness to yourself, but none of them takes the place of treatment.
If a holiday night turns frightening, or you don’t feel safe, please reach out to a person right away. In the United States, call or text 988. Someone answers on holidays too, at any hour.
The day after the holiday
Many people feel a dip the day after a holiday, whether they spent it alone or with a crowd. The build-up is over, the decorations look tired, and the ordinary week hasn’t started yet. If you know this tends to happen to you, plan something small for the day after, like a walk with a friend, a lunch out, or a phone call you can look forward to.
The day after is also a good time to look back gently. Notice which parts of the holiday went better than you feared and which parts were hard. Write a few notes for next year, like “The community dinner was nice,” or “Next time I’ll call my brother in the morning, not the evening.” Nobody knows what next year will bring, but you’ll still have a head start on planning.
If the holiday has left you wanting more company in general, the loneliness room has steps for the rest of the year. The page on Sunday covers another day of the week that can feel long when you’re on your own.
If this is the first holiday since a death, read The first Christmas without them.
Learn more from trusted sources
These public health agencies explain the medical side of loneliness and grief in more detail than this site does.
- Tips for staying connected from the National Institute on Aging lists practical ways to see and hear from people more often.
- Coping with grief and loss from the National Institute on Aging walks through what grief can feel like and where to find support.
- Social connection from the CDC explains why time with other people matters for your health.
If you need care
If you’re in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 now, before you read any further. You don’t need a good reason or the right words. If you’re outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a local crisis line. A real person can stay on the line with you.
If you’re not in crisis, you can still tell your doctor that holidays are lonely for you, since that’s part of your health. Keep any prescribed medicine as it is until you’ve talked it over together. There’s more in the loneliness room, short definitions in the glossary (including loneliness and adjunct to care), and answers to common questions in the loneliness FAQ and the Site FAQ. This page is not yet medically reviewed.