The first Christmas without them
The first Christmas without someone you love is usually easier with a loose plan made weeks ahead: decide where you’ll be, keep only the traditions that still comfort you, find one way to remember them, and give yourself a way to leave early. Tell your family clearly what you need, and plan something gentle for the days after.
Why the first Christmas after a loss is so hard
The first Christmas after a death is hard for almost everyone, because the season is built from memories and every one of them has the person in it. Their handwriting is on the ornament box. Their recipe card is in the drawer, stained from 30 years of the same pie. The songs in the grocery store are the ones they sang along to in the car, and the cards that start arriving may still have their name on the envelope.
It may be your husband or wife, your mother or father, a brother or sister, a child, or a close friend. Losing a parent can turn Christmas upside down in a particular way, especially if your mom or dad was the one who hosted, cooked, or held the family together for the day. Losing a spouse can mean the person you planned every Christmas with is the one you most want to talk to about how to get through this one.
Most people find the weeks before Christmas harder than the day. The dread builds through December, while everyone around you seems to be getting merrier. Knowing that ahead of time can help you plan for the whole season instead of only December 25. If you’ll be spending the day on your own, holidays alone covers that side of it, and this page is about the loss.
Deciding where and how to spend the day
Make the big decision early, ideally by Thanksgiving or the start of December: where you’ll be, and with whom. Leaving it until the week before tends to mean someone else decides for you, or the day arrives with no plan at all.
You have more choices than it may seem. You could keep Christmas at home as it’s always been, go to a grown child’s or a sibling’s house, have a small gathering with only one or two people, or go somewhere new entirely, like a cabin, a hotel by the beach, or a friend’s house in another town. Some families find that a change of scene makes the first year easier, because the empty chair isn’t in the same room where it’s always been. Others want to be home, close to the familiar rooms and routines. Either choice is reasonable for a first year, and you can decide differently next year.
Whatever you choose, give yourself a way out. Drive your own car if you can, so you can leave when you’re tired. Tell your host ahead of time: “I’d love to come for dinner. I may leave early, and please don’t take it personally.” Know which room you can step into, or which porch you can stand on, when you need 10 minutes to yourself. A short, gentle visit is often better than a long one you have to push through.
If someone else used to do the hosting, nobody has to replace them this year. A family can order dinner from a restaurant, share a potluck, or meet at someone’s house for dessert only. The goal for a first Christmas is a day the family can get through together, and it doesn’t need to look like the old ones.
Traditions to keep, change, or skip
You don’t have to keep every tradition, and you don’t have to drop them all. Many people go through the list and choose a few to keep, a few to change, and a few to set aside for a year.
Start with the tree and the decorations. Some people put up the full tree with every ornament and find comfort in seeing them again. Others put up a small tabletop tree, or a wreath on the door and nothing else, because unpacking the ornament box is too much this year. Asking a grown child or a friend to help with the decorating, or to do it while you make the cocoa, can make it easier.
Then the food. If your mother made the stuffing every year, someone else can make it from her recipe, and many families find that tasting it again is a comfort. Others can’t face it the first year and serve a ham, or a takeout feast, instead. You can also buy the pie from a bakery and nobody needs to apologize.
Church services can be especially tender. A Christmas Eve service with candles and familiar carols is where many people feel the loss most sharply, and also where some feel closest to the person. If you go, you might pick a spot near the back or the aisle, so you can step out if you need to. Some places of worship hold a “Blue Christmas” or “Longest Night” service in December, a gentler service for people who are grieving, and it can be a good fit for a first year.
Whatever you skip this year isn’t gone for good. Many families bring old traditions back in a later year, sometimes with a new twist, once the first sharp Christmas is behind them.
Making room for the person who’s missing
Many people want the person included in the day in some way, rather than having everyone avoid their name. A small, specific act is usually enough. You could light a candle at the table and leave it burning through the meal, or hang a new ornament with their name or picture on it. Some families go around the table and each share one memory, and others raise a glass to the person before the meal.
Some families keep the person’s stocking up and invite everyone to write a note or a memory and tuck it inside. The notes can be read aloud later that day or saved for a calmer moment. You could also cook their favorite dish, play the Christmas record they always played, or watch the movie they loved. A kind act in their name, like a donation to a cause they cared about, a gift to a family in need, or a visit to the cemetery with a wreath, gives some of the sadness somewhere to go.
The empty chair at the table is often the hardest sight of the day. Some families leave it empty on purpose, as a way of honoring the person. Others change the seating, set the table differently, or add a leaf so the gap doesn’t stand out. There’s no right answer, and it’s worth asking the people who’ll be at the table what feels better to them.
Not everyone in the family will want the same thing. One person may want to talk about the person all day, and another may need a few hours of normal Christmas without tears. You can make room for both by keeping the remembering to one part of the day, like a toast before the meal, and letting the rest of the day be more ordinary.
Christmas cards and gifts after a death
Christmas cards can be a surprisingly hard part of the season. It’s completely fine to skip sending them this year, and most people will understand. If you’d like to send some, you can keep them short, or send a brief note to close friends and family that mentions the loss: “This has been a hard year, and we miss Dad very much. We’re thinking of you this Christmas.” If people far away may not know about the death, a card can be a gentle way to tell them.
Many widowed people wonder how to sign cards now. You can sign with your name alone. Some people sign their own name followed by a line like “remembering John” during the first year, and both choices are fine. Cards addressed to both of you will likely arrive for a year or two, and each one can sting. You might set them aside to open on a day when you feel steady, or ask a family member to open them with you.
Gifts bring their own questions. You may find yourself in a store holding something you would have bought for them. Some people buy that gift and donate it to a toy drive or a shelter, which turns the moment into a kindness. Others give a donation in the person’s name as their gift to the family. If the person you lost was the one who did the shopping, it’s fine to give less this year, give gift cards, or agree with the family to skip gifts for adults.
The family may also ask what to do with the person’s belongings at Christmastime. Some families give a small keepsake to each person, like a scarf, a tie, a coffee mug, or a favorite book, wrapped with a note. It can be a lovely gift, and it can also wait until a later year if the closets aren’t ready to be opened.
What to say to family, and what they might say to you
Tell your family what you need before the day, in a sentence or two. You might say, “I’d like to come for dinner, but I’ll probably leave before the gifts,” or “I’d really like it if we said Mom’s name at dinner. I don’t want everyone to tiptoe around her.” Most families are relieved to know, since many of them are wondering what to do too.
Remember that everyone at the table is grieving in their own way. A grown child who lost a parent and a spouse who lost a partner are carrying different losses, and grandchildren may be sad, confused, or more upset by the adults’ sadness than by the loss. Children often do better with a simple job, like lighting the candle or hanging the person’s ornament.
Someone will probably say the wrong thing. People say “At least she’s not suffering” or “He’d want you to be happy” because they want to help and don’t know what else to say. You can let it pass, or answer gently: “Thank you. Today’s hard, and I miss him.” The opposite can happen too, with nobody mentioning the person all day. If that hurts, you can bring up their name yourself. It often gives everyone else permission to do the same.
On the day, and the days after
On Christmas morning, start slowly. Have a plan for the morning that’s gentle, like a walk, a phone call with someone who’ll understand, or coffee in a favorite mug. Keep water and something to eat nearby, since grief can make people forget both. Have a plan B too: if the dinner becomes too much, you can step outside, take a short drive, or go home early.
The days after Christmas can be harder than people expect. The visitors leave, the decorations look tired, and New Year’s Eve may bring its own sadness, since it can mark the end of the last year the person was alive. Plan something small for December 26, like a walk with a friend or a lunch out, and think ahead about how you want to spend New Year’s Eve.
Take note of what helped and what didn’t, and write it down for next year. The second Christmas is different from the first, and some people find it harder, because the first year was a blur. Anniversary of a loss covers how those hard dates often change over the years.
If you take an antidepressant or any other prescribed medicine, keep taking it as prescribed through the holidays, even when your routine is off. Grief is a normal response to loss, and it can sometimes turn into something heavier. If, for two weeks or more, you feel low most of the day, lose interest in nearly everything, or feel hopeless, tell your doctor. The after a loss page in the depression room has more.
Common questions
How do you get through the first Christmas without a loved one?
Most people do best with a loose plan made weeks ahead. Decide early where you’ll be and with whom, and give yourself a way to leave early. Keep the traditions that still comfort you and let the others rest for a year. Choose one small way to remember the person, like a candle at the table or a toast before the meal. Tell your family what you need in a sentence or two, and plan something gentle for the days after Christmas, which are often harder than people expect.
Should we still put up a Christmas tree after a death in the family?
You can, and you don’t have to. Some families find comfort in the old ornaments and put up the full tree, sometimes with a new ornament in the person’s memory. Others choose a small tabletop tree or a wreath for the first year, because unpacking the decorations is too painful. Asking a family member or friend to help decorate can make it easier. Whatever you choose this year, you can decide differently next year.
Is it okay to skip Christmas the first year after a loss?
Yes, it’s okay, and many people skip some or all of Christmas the first year, by not decorating, not sending cards, or spending the day somewhere new. It helps to tell family ahead of time so they aren’t surprised, and to plan the day anyway, even if it’s an ordinary day with a walk, a good meal, and a phone call. Try not to spend it completely alone if being alone makes the loneliness heavier. Any tradition you skip this year can come back later.
How do I sign Christmas cards after my spouse dies?
You can sign with your own name alone, and that’s what many widowed people do. Some add a line like “remembering John” during the first year, or include a short note to close friends about the loss. It’s also fine to skip sending cards this year. Cards addressed to both of you will likely keep arriving for a while, and it can help to set them aside to open on a steadier day, or to open them with a family member.
What do you say to someone on their first Christmas without their mom or dad?
Say the person’s name and let them know you remember. Something like “I’ve been thinking about you this Christmas. I know it’s the first one without your mom, and I miss her too” is enough. Avoid phrases like “She’s in a better place” or “At least she’s not suffering,” which can feel like they hurry the grief along. Offer something specific, like a call on Christmas Day, a walk on December 26, or help with the decorations, rather than a general “let me know if you need anything.”
Learn more from trusted sources
These public health agencies explain grief and staying connected in more detail than this site does.
- Coping with grief and loss from the National Institute on Aging walks through what grief can feel like and where to find support.
- Tips for staying connected from the National Institute on Aging lists practical ways to see and hear from people more often.
If you need care
If you’re in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 now, before you read any further. Someone answers on Christmas Day too, at any hour. If you’re outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a local crisis line. A real person can stay on the line with you.
If you’re not in crisis but the grief feels heavier than you can carry, tell your doctor, and ask about grief counseling or a grief support group; many hospices run groups that are open to anyone in the community. Keep any prescribed medicine as prescribed until you’ve talked it over together. There’s more in the loneliness room and its questions and answers, short definitions in the glossary (including loneliness), and short answers in the FAQ. This page is not yet medically reviewed.