A new city

You know where the grocery store is now, but nobody here knows you yet. Here are a few honest ways to start feeling at home.

Settling in takes time

The boxes are mostly unpacked. You've learned the crosswalks, the hour the corner store closes, and how the building looks at dusk. Knowing your way around is a different thing from being known, though. A move can make good sense, to be nearer the kids, to leave a house that got to be too much, or for work or school, and still feel lonely in the first month or the sixth. Anyone who promised you'd make friends right away was guessing.

If you're older, the move may feel like a second uprooting after years of streets you could walk without thinking. If you're younger, the new apartment may not have turned into the fresh start you hoped for. Both are loneliness, the ache of wanting more company than you have. An evening you choose to spend alone feels different from one you're stuck with, and noticing which is which helps you treat yourself fairly.

One small step

If you'd like some company, take one step small enough that a "no" won't knock you flat. Say hello to a neighbor by name. Ask the library desk the question you actually have. Go to a group or a class you're free to leave after an hour, or send a message to someone from your old life that says how things really are. Some of these won't land, because people are busy and have their own lives, and that's normal. When one does land, it's a start, and friendships grow out of a lot of small starts. This site won't teach you how to charm or pressure anyone, since everything here is about your own mind.

Looking after yourself while you wait

While you wait for the city to warm up, take care of the person doing the waiting. Eat a real meal on a real plate. Turn on a lamp in the evening instead of living by the light of your phone. When your inner voice calls the move a mistake and you a fool for making it, answer it gently. You can miss your old street without packing tonight, and you can stay without pretending the new place already loves you.

If the loneliness thickens into a heaviness that won't lift, please don't wait until you feel settled to get help. The depression room has more, along with the same advice to talk with your doctor. If you're younger and the evenings are the hardest part, read younger, and lonely.

If you need care

If you're in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 (https://988lifeline.org/) now, before you read any further. You don't need a good reason or the right words. If you're outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a local crisis line. A real person can stay on the line with you.

If you're not in crisis, loneliness is still worth mentioning to your doctor, especially if it's affecting your sleep, your nerve, or your wish to go out at all. Keep taking any antidepressant or other prescribed medicine as prescribed. Company in a new city can help a great deal, but it can't take the place of your treatment. There's more in the loneliness room, plain-language definitions in the glossary under loneliness and adjunct to care, and short answers in the FAQ. Nothing here is for sale. This page is not yet medically reviewed.