Arcana Mentis Hidden Knowledge of the Mind

Lonely at night

By Casey Hale · Updated

Loneliness often feels worst at night because the day’s small contacts are over, you’re tired, and the dark makes every feeling louder. A gentle bedtime, a last voice before sleep, and a plan for waking at 3 a.m. can make the nights easier.

Why loneliness feels worse at night

Feeling lonelier at night is very common, and there are ordinary reasons for it. During the day, even a lonely day has small contacts in it: the mail carrier, the cashier, a neighbor’s wave, a voice on the radio. By bedtime those are over, and nothing new will happen until morning. You’re also tired, and a tired mind tends to make worries and sad feelings seem larger than they did at lunch.

Night is also when many people used to have someone close. For years there may have been a goodnight kiss, a voice from the next pillow, a hand to reach for when a noise woke you, or the sound of someone else breathing in the dark. Even people who’ve lived alone for a long time often say the hour before sleep is when they most wish someone would ask how the day went.

The house changes after dark too. The furnace clicks, the refrigerator hums, and every sound is yours alone to notice. With the lights off and nothing to look at, your mind turns inward, and whatever you’ve been holding off all day, a memory, a worry about money, a grown child you haven’t heard from, has room to come forward.

This page is about bedtime and the middle of the night. The stretch between supper and bed has its own page, long, lonely evenings at home, and if your trouble is mostly a racing mind, racing thoughts at three has a practice for that.

The empty side of the bed

Many people feel nighttime loneliness most in one particular place, the other half of the bed. After a death or a divorce, the bed can be the hardest place in the house, because it’s where you were closest to someone. Some people keep to their own side for years. Others can’t face the bedroom at all for a while and fall asleep on the couch with the television on.

Small changes to the room can help, and none of them means forgetting anyone. Some people move the bed to a new wall, buy new sheets in a different color, or put a long body pillow along the empty side so there’s something warm to lean against. Others sleep in the middle of the bed on purpose. A few keep the room exactly as it was because that feels like comfort. You can try one change for a week and switch back if it feels wrong.

If someone does sleep beside you, you can still feel alone at night. Lying awake next to a partner who’s sound asleep, or one who turned away after an argument, can be one of the loneliest feelings there is. If that’s your situation, it’s worth saying so in daylight: “I’ve been feeling lonely at night lately. Could we talk for a few minutes before we turn the light off?”

A bedtime that feels less lonely

A bedtime routine gives the end of the day a shape, so you aren’t lying in the dark waiting for sleep. Start about an hour before you plan to sleep, and keep it simple enough to do on a tired night.

Get the room ready first. Make it warm enough, with an extra blanket in reach, and close the curtains. A small lamp or night-light by the bed means you never have to lie in total darkness if you’d rather not. Flannel sheets, a hot-water bottle, or a heating pad set on low (with an automatic shut-off) can make the bed feel more welcoming. If you have a cat or a dog, letting them sleep in the room is a comfort many people swear by.

Then wind down with something that feels like company without asking much of you. Many people find it helps to fall asleep to a human voice: a radio talk station turned low, an audiobook read by a warm voice, or a recording of a familiar old program. A sleep timer that turns it off after 30 or 60 minutes keeps it from waking you later. Choose something calm, and keep the news for the morning.

Some people like to end the day with a small ritual. You might write three lines in a notebook about the day, say a prayer, read a few pages from a favorite book, or say goodnight out loud to someone you’ve lost. If saying their name helps, it’s fine to keep doing it for as long as it does.

Try to go to bed and get up at about the same time every day, even on weekends. The National Institute on Aging’s sleep page, linked below, explains why a regular schedule helps, along with other basics like limiting caffeine late in the day.

A last voice before sleep

One of the simplest ways to feel less alone at night is to hear from someone in the evening, so the last contact of the day isn’t hours behind you. A short call, even five minutes, at eight or nine o’clock can make the house feel less empty when you turn the light off.

Some friends set up a goodnight text with each other. It works best with another person who lives alone, like a sister, an old friend, or a neighbor. You each send one line before bed, such as “Home safe, heading to bed, talk tomorrow,” and you each send another in the morning. It takes 10 seconds, and it means someone knows you’re all right at both ends of the night. If one of you doesn’t answer by midmorning, the other calls, which is a real comfort for anyone worried about falling or getting sick alone.

You could ask someone like this: “I’ve been finding the nights long. Would you want to trade a goodnight text? Just a line or two, nothing more.” Many people living alone would be glad to be asked.

If family lives in another time zone, the evening can be a good time to catch them. A grown child on the West Coast may be finishing supper when you’re getting ready for bed in the East, and a regular call at that hour can become a nice end to the day for both of you.

When you wake at 2 or 3 a.m. and feel alone

Waking in the middle of the night and feeling completely alone is one of the hardest parts of nighttime loneliness. The house is dark, nobody you know is awake, and morning feels far away. Try to treat the feeling as part of being awake at that hour, rather than a verdict on your life. Most people feel a good deal steadier by breakfast.

Turn on a low lamp, so the room looks like your room again. Have a glass of water. Put your feet on the floor and feel the rug or the cold boards for a moment. If you’d like a voice, put the radio on softly; many stations run overnight talk shows with callers who are awake for the same reasons you are, and hearing them can be comforting.

If you’ve been awake and restless for what feels like 20 minutes or so, get up and go to a chair in another room with a blanket and something dull and calm to do, like a puzzle book or a familiar novel. Go back to bed when your eyes feel heavy. Racing thoughts at three walks through this step by step, with a breathing count you can do in the dark.

Some people pray in the night, or simply talk in their heads to someone they’ve lost. Others think about all the other people awake at the same hour: the nurses on the night shift, the truck drivers, the new parents, and the many people living alone and lying awake as you are. You can’t see them, but they’re there.

Who’s awake when you need to talk

If you need to talk to someone at night, there are people awake for exactly that. If you’re in crisis, feel unsafe, or are thinking about dying, call or text 988 in the United States at any hour. You don’t have to be sure your night is bad enough to count.

If you’re not in crisis but you’d like a human voice, look for a warmline. Warmlines are free phone lines answered by trained volunteers or peers, people who have been through hard times of their own, for anyone who’d like to talk before a hard night turns into a crisis. Many states have them, and hours vary, with some open late into the night. Your local library, Area Agency on Aging, or doctor’s office can help you find one, and it’s worth looking up the number in daylight and writing it on a card by the bed.

Be careful with strangers online at night. People who are lonely after dark are a favorite target of romance scammers, who strike up warm, fast friendships through social media, dating sites, or games, and before long ask for money, gift cards, or personal details. If someone you’ve never met in person asks for money, for any reason, stop and talk it over with a friend or relative in daylight before you send anything.

The phone, the drink, and the extra pill

Three common night habits can make the loneliness worse. The phone is the first. Scrolling through photos of other people’s families and trips in the dark can make your own room feel emptier, and the bright screen tends to wake you up further. If you keep the phone by the bed for safety, turn the screen face down and silence everything except calls from the people who matter most.

A drink to help you sleep is the second. Alcohol can make you drowsy at first, and it also makes waking in the small hours more likely, often feeling worse than before. If a nightcap has turned into two or three, or into most nights, mention it to your doctor. The SAMHSA National Helpline, a free and confidential line that is open every day and night, can also help you find support.

The third is reaching for more medicine than you were told to take. Never take an extra sleeping pill, an extra dose of anything, or someone else’s medicine to get through a lonely night. Keep taking every prescribed medicine exactly as prescribed, and if your sleep medicine or any other medicine doesn’t seem to be helping, talk with the doctor who prescribed it before changing anything. Medicine and loneliness has more on this.

Days that make the nights easier

The nights usually feel better when the days have more people and more daylight in them. Get outside in the morning if you can, even for 10 minutes on a cloudy day, since morning light helps set your body clock. Plan any company you can, like a lunch, a class, or a call, for the daytime, so the night isn’t carrying the whole day’s loneliness.

Keep naps short and early in the afternoon, and go easy on coffee after lunch. A tiring day, with a walk if your body is up to it, tends to bring a deeper sleep than a long day in the chair. If you know Sunday nights or the evenings after a family visit are the hardest, plan something soothing for those nights in advance, like a phone call at eight or a favorite program saved for that evening. Lonely Sundays covers the day before one of the hardest nights of the week.

If you’d like more company in your days overall, the loneliness room has pages on making friends, keeping in touch, and getting through the long parts of the week.

Common questions

Why do I feel lonelier at night than during the day?

At night the small contacts that fill a day, like the mail carrier, a neighbor’s wave, or a voice on the radio, are over, and nothing new will happen until morning. You’re tired, and a tired mind tends to make sad feelings and worries seem larger. Night is also when many people used to have someone close, a voice from the next pillow or a goodnight call, so the absence is easiest to feel at bedtime. Most people feel steadier by morning, which is a good sign the night is playing a part.

Is it normal to feel lonely at night when you live alone?

Yes, it’s very common, including for people who are content living alone during the day. Bedtime and the middle of the night are when the house feels emptiest, when nobody you know is awake, and when worries about safety or health come forward. Small steps help many people: a gentle bedtime routine, a calm voice from the radio or an audiobook, and a goodnight text with a friend who also lives alone. If the loneliness at night comes with a low mood most days, tell your doctor.

What can I do when I feel lonely at 3 a.m.?

Turn on a low lamp, have a glass of water, and put your feet on the floor for a moment so the room feels like yours again. Soft radio or an audiobook can bring a human voice into the room. If you’re still restless after about 20 minutes, get up and do something calm in another room until you feel sleepy. Try to leave the phone and social media alone, since both tend to wake you further. If you’re in crisis or feel unsafe, call or text 988 in the United States.

Who can I call at night if I’m lonely but not in crisis?

Many states have warmlines, free phone lines answered by trained volunteers or peers for people who’d like to talk and aren’t in crisis. Hours vary, and some are open late into the night. Your library, Area Agency on Aging, or doctor’s office can help you find one, and it helps to write the number on a card by the bed. Some people also arrange a goodnight text or call with a friend. If the night ever turns frightening, call or text 988 in the United States, at any hour.

Does feeling lonely at night mean I’m depressed?

Many people feel lonely at night without being depressed, especially after a loss or when living alone. Talk with your doctor if, for two weeks or more, you feel low most of the day, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, sleep much more or much less than usual, or feel hopeless. Those can be signs of depression, which is treatable. If you already take an antidepressant or other prescribed medicine, keep taking it as prescribed and bring your nights up with your doctor.

Learn more from trusted sources

These public health pages explain sleep and staying connected in more detail than this site does.

If you need care

If you’re in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 now, before you read any further. The line is answered in the middle of the night too. If you’re outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a local crisis line. A real person can stay on the line with you.

If you’re not in crisis but your nights keep wearing down your days, tell your doctor what the nights are like, including how often you wake and how you feel when you do. Keep any prescribed medicine as prescribed until you’ve talked it over together. There’s more in the loneliness room and its questions and answers, short definitions in the glossary (including loneliness), and short answers in the FAQ. This page is not yet medically reviewed.