Lonely as a caregiver
Caregivers are rarely alone and often lonely. The work crowds out friends, and the person you care for may no longer be company in the old way. Keeping one friendship alive, joining a caregiver support group, and taking regular breaks through respite care all help, and this page walks through each one.
Lonely with someone in the house all day
It’s two in the afternoon. You’ve done the pills, the lunch, the laundry, and the call to the pharmacy, and the person you care for is dozing in the recliner. The house is full of the sound of the TV, and you haven’t had a real conversation with another adult since Tuesday. You’re never alone, and you’ve rarely felt lonelier.
Caregiver loneliness is common, and it makes sense once you look at a caregiver’s week. Friends call less because you always have to say no. Outings shrink to the doctor’s office and the drugstore. Church, the book club, and the bowling league fall away one by one, because there’s nobody to stay with the person you care for. Many caregivers say the hardest part is that nobody asks how they are anymore, only how the patient is doing.
If you feel this way, it doesn’t mean you love the person any less or that you’re doing the job badly. It means you’re a person who needs other people, and the job has taken most of them away. This page is about getting a few of them back.
If what you need most right now is time to yourself, finding time for yourself as a caregiver covers how to claim one hour a day and how to ask family for help. This page stays with the loneliness.
When the person you care for is your husband or wife
Caring for a spouse brings its own kind of loneliness. The person you used to talk to about everything may now be the person you’re worried about, and you can’t bring your worries to them in the same way. If your spouse has dementia, the conversations you shared for decades may have changed or stopped. They may not remember what you told them this morning, or they may not always know who you are.
Some counselors call this ambiguous loss, which means grieving for someone who is still alive and still in the next room. You might miss the jokes, the shared memories, the plans you made for retirement, and being looked after in return. You may feel lonely in your own marriage, and then feel guilty for feeling it. Both feelings are common, and neither one makes you disloyal.
It can help to find small moments that still belong to the two of you. Some couples still enjoy music they danced to, an old photo album, holding hands on a walk, or a favorite TV show watched side by side. Those moments count. They just can’t carry all of your need for company, so you’ll need other people too.
Saying the loss out loud helps. “I miss my husband, and he’s right here” is a sentence many caregivers have said in support groups, and the people around the table nod because they know. If you’d rather say it to one person, a counselor, a pastor, or your own doctor can listen. When the time comes that your spouse has died, widowhood is written for that loss.
Keeping one friendship alive
Friendships tend to fade during caregiving because invitations go unanswered and calls go unreturned. After a few months of no, friends stop asking. Most of them mean well, and they hold back because they can’t tell what would help and they’re afraid of intruding.
Pick one friend to keep. Choose someone you’ve known a long time and feel easy with, and tell them clearly what’s going on and what you’d like. You could say, “Caring for Mom has taken over my life, and I miss you. Could we talk on the phone every Thursday evening, even for 20 minutes?” A standing time works better than “let’s catch up soon,” because neither of you has to work up the nerve each week.
When you talk, give yourself permission to talk about other subjects too. Ask about their grandchildren, their garden, and the show they’re watching. Caregivers often say that an hour of ordinary talk does them more good than an hour of sympathy. If your friend asks how they can help, have an answer ready, like “Come by Saturday for coffee while Dad naps” or “Could you pick up groceries for me next time you go?”
If visits at home are possible, invite your friend over during a calm part of the day. If getting out is possible, even for an hour, meet for lunch or a short walk while someone else covers. A card in the mail, a text with a photo, or a short voice message all help keep the friendship warm between visits.
Some friends will drift anyway, and that hurts. The ones who stay are worth the effort it takes to keep them.
Caregiver support groups
A caregiver support group is a group of people caring for someone, who meet regularly to talk about what it’s like. For many caregivers, a group is the first place in months where nobody needs the situation explained. The people around the table have dealt with the same sleepless nights, the same insurance calls, and the same mixed feelings.
Groups meet in hospitals, senior centers, libraries, places of worship, and community centers. Many focus on one condition, such as dementia, Parkinson’s disease, cancer, or stroke, and others are open to any caregiver. Phone and online groups work well if you can’t leave the house, and some meet in the evening after the person you care for is asleep.
To find a group, ask the doctor’s office, a hospital social worker, or your local Area Agency on Aging, which you can reach through the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116. If you’re caring for someone with dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association runs support groups and a 24-hour helpline at 1-800-272-3900.
At a first meeting, you can listen the whole time if you like. Most groups go around the room, and you can say your first name and “I’m just listening today.” Give a group two or three meetings before you decide, because the first one can feel strange. If a group doesn’t fit, try another. Some groups lean toward practical tips and others toward feelings, and you may prefer one over the other.
A support group can also turn into friendships. Two caregivers who meet there sometimes start calling each other between meetings, and that may be the most useful thing the group gives you.
Getting time away, and what respite means
Loneliness eases when you can leave the house now and then and be a person among people. Respite care is short-term care from someone else, for a few hours or a few days, so the regular caregiver can take a break. It can come from a trained aide at home, an adult day program, a family member, or a short stay somewhere with staff.
Use some of that time for people. A lunch with your one friend, a support group meeting, an hour at church, or a walk with a neighbor will do more for your loneliness than an extra load of laundry. Rest counts too, so if sleep is what you need, take it.
The caregiving page explains how to ask relatives for specific help and how respite care works. The National Institute on Aging’s caregiving guide, listed at the end of this page, explains the types of respite care. The doctor’s office, a hospital social worker, or your local office on aging can tell you what’s available near you and what it may cost.
Questions about their care belong with their doctor
This page doesn’t give advice about the health, medicine, or care of the person you look after. Those questions belong with their doctor and care team. If their condition changes in a way that worries you, call their doctor. Call 911 for an emergency, such as trouble breathing, chest pain, sudden confusion, weakness on one side, or trouble speaking.
Their mind also remains their own. Everything on this site about the mind applies to your own mind only, so there’s nothing here about managing their mood or making them agreeable. What you can work on is your side of the day: how you talk to yourself on a hard afternoon, whom you call, and when you ask for help.
Your own health on the heavier days
Caregivers often let their own health slide. Keep your own doctor’s appointments, keep any medicine prescribed for you as prescribed, and tell your doctor you’re a caregiver, because it helps them understand your weeks.
Talk with your doctor if, for two weeks or more, you’ve felt low most of the time, lost interest in people and pastimes you used to enjoy, slept poorly even when you had the chance, or felt hopeless. Bring it up too if you’re drinking more to get through the evenings, or if your patience has worn into anger that frightens you. You could say, “I’ve been caring for my wife for three years. I’m lonely and worn out, and I’m not myself.”
Love, resentment, grief, and guilt can all show up in the same afternoon, and feeling them doesn’t make you a bad caregiver or a bad person. Say them to someone safe, like your one friend, your support group, or a counselor.
If you ever feel you might lose control with the person you care for, make sure they’re safe, step into another room, and call someone, like a friend, your doctor, or 988 if you’re in crisis. Feeling that strain means you need more help, and asking for it protects you both.
When caregiving ends
Caregiving ends in different ways. The person you care for may move to a nursing home or memory care, or they may die. Either way, many caregivers are surprised by how lonely the next months are. The schedule that filled every hour is suddenly gone, along with the aides, nurses, and pharmacy staff you saw each week, and old friends may not know how to reach back toward you.
If your spouse or parent has moved into a care home, you may feel relief and loneliness at once, with an empty house and a visit to make every day. Visiting is good, and so is keeping some days for yourself, your friend, and your support group. Many groups welcome caregivers whose person has moved into care or has died.
If the person has died, your grief may include the years of caregiving as well as the person. After a loss covers grief more broadly, and long evenings at home may help with the hours that used to be busy. Start rebuilding with the one friendship you kept, and add a second thread when you’re ready.
Common questions
Is it normal to feel lonely as a caregiver?
Yes, loneliness is very common among caregivers, including those who are with someone all day. Caregiving often crowds out friends, hobbies, church, and outings, and the person you care for may no longer be able to share conversation the way they used to. Many caregivers also feel that nobody asks about them anymore, only about the patient. Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you love the person less or that you’re doing the job badly. It means you need other people too, and a support group, a standing call with one friend, and regular breaks can help.
How do I cope with loneliness when my spouse has dementia?
Many spouses describe this as grieving someone who is still alive. It helps to keep a few moments that still belong to the two of you, like music you both love or a walk holding hands, while accepting that your spouse can’t meet all your need for company now. Keep at least one friendship going with a standing weekly call or visit. A dementia caregiver support group can be a relief, because the people there know this loss firsthand. The Alzheimer’s Association helpline at 1-800-272-3900 can point you to groups. Questions about your spouse’s care belong with their doctor.
How do I find a caregiver support group?
Ask the doctor’s office of the person you care for, a hospital social worker, or your local Area Agency on Aging, which you can find through the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116. Many groups meet at hospitals, senior centers, libraries, and places of worship, and many focus on one condition, such as dementia, Parkinson’s disease, or cancer. Phone and online groups work well if you can’t leave home. At the first meeting, you can just listen. Give a group two or three meetings before deciding whether it fits.
What is respite care?
Respite care is short-term care from someone else, for a few hours or a few days, so the regular caregiver can rest or take care of their own needs. It can come from a trained aide who comes to the home, an adult day program, a family member or friend, or a short stay in a facility with staff. The doctor’s office, a hospital social worker, or your local office on aging can tell you what’s available near you and what it may cost. The National Institute on Aging’s caregiving pages explain the different types.
Why do I feel so lonely after caregiving ended?
When caregiving ends, through a move into a care home or a death, the routine that filled every hour disappears at once. So do the aides, nurses, and pharmacy staff you saw each week, and old friends may have drifted during the caregiving years. Many former caregivers feel relief, grief, guilt, and loneliness all together, and that mix is common. Start with the friendships you kept, and consider staying with your support group, since many welcome former caregivers. If you feel low most days for two weeks or more, talk with your doctor.
Learn more from trusted sources
These public health agencies explain caregiving, staying connected, and low mood in more detail than this site does.
- Caregiving from the National Institute on Aging has guides for caregivers, including respite care and looking after your own health.
- Tips for staying connected from the National Institute on Aging lists practical ways to see and hear from people more often.
- Depression and older adults from the National Institute on Aging describes what depression can look like and how it is treated.
If you need care
If you’re in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 now, and you don’t have to be the strong one on that call. If you’re outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a local crisis line. If the person you care for is in danger, or their health has taken a turn you can’t judge, call their doctor or 911.
If you’re not in crisis but the loneliness has brought a heavier feeling with it, like a flat mood most days, a tiredness sleep doesn’t fix, or a sense that your own life has shrunk to nothing, tell your own doctor. Keep any medicine prescribed for you as prescribed until you’ve talked it over together, and leave decisions about their medicine to their doctor. There’s more in the loneliness room and its questions and answers, the getting your life back room, and short answers in the FAQ. This page is not yet medically reviewed.