Settling in at a new place
Feeling lonely in a retirement community or assisted living is common, especially in the first months, even with people all around. You’ve left your home, your neighbors, and your routines all at once, and new friendships take time. Many people feel more at home within a few months, and it usually goes faster when you eat in the dining room, try one regular activity, and keep in touch with old friends.
Lonely with people all around
The apartment is smaller than the house was, and most of your furniture went to the kids or the donation truck. Through the wall you can hear a neighbor’s TV. Down the hall, about 100 people are eating supper in the dining room, and you’ve just warmed a can of soup in your kitchenette because walking in alone felt like the first day of school.
People are often surprised to feel lonely in a place full of other people. The brochure showed residents laughing over cards, and your family may have said, “You’ll have so much company.” But a building full of strangers can feel lonelier than an empty house, because you’re surrounded by reminders of what’s missing: your old street, your church, the neighbor who waved every morning, and the friends who knew you before.
Whether you moved to independent living, assisted living, or a retirement community with several levels of care, the loneliness of the first months is common, and it usually eases. This page is for you as a resident, with ideas for settling in and finding your people. There’s also a section for family members reading on someone’s behalf.
The first months, and what’s normal
Moving into senior living often means several losses at once. You may have left a house you lived in for decades, a garden, a car, and a neighborhood. Some people moved by choice and feel mostly relief. Others moved after a fall, an illness, or the death of a spouse, and feel the move happened to them. Either way, it’s common to grieve the old life, even when the new place is comfortable.
In the first weeks, many people feel tired, sad, homesick, or a little lost. Some stay in their apartment more than they meant to. Saying “I want to go home” is a common part of adjusting, and it doesn’t mean the move was wrong. Settling in takes many people a few weeks and others several months, and there’s no deadline.
Give the first weeks a little shape. Learn the layout, find the mailroom, the library, and the best chair in the lobby, and look at the activity calendar each morning. Set one small goal per week, like eating one meal in the dining room, going to one activity, or learning three names. Keep a notepad by the door and write down the names and one detail about each person you meet, such as “Ruth, third floor, taught school, loves crosswords.” Names are hard for everyone, and a list makes the second hello easier.
Bring the familiar with you. Photos, a favorite chair, your own quilt, and the coffee mug you’ve used for years can make a new room feel like yours. If your spouse has died, keeping a few of their belongings nearby can be a comfort.
Finding your people
Most friendships in senior living start in the dining room. Meals are the one time each day when most residents are in the same place, and a regular table is where acquaintances turn into friends. If the dining room lets you choose, ask the staff to place you at a table with friendly residents, or with people who share an interest. Some communities have a welcome committee or resident ambassadors whose job is to introduce newcomers around. Ask if yours does.
Small spots in the building help too. The mailroom, the lobby before the bus leaves, the laundry room, and the coffee urn after an activity are all places where short chats happen. A simple opener works: “I’m new. I moved in from Elm Street last month. How long have you been here?” Most residents remember their own first weeks and are glad to help.
Look for one or two people to start with, rather than trying to fit into the whole building. Ask one person to walk to lunch with you, or to show you the garden. Then do it again. Friendships here can form faster than they would in a neighborhood, because you see the same people every day.
If hearing makes the dining room hard, choose a table in a calmer corner, and see hearing loss and loneliness. If you’d like more on making friends later in life, read wanting a friend at 70.
Activities worth trying
The activity calendar can look like a lot, or it can look like nothing you’d ever choose. Try a few of them regardless. Exercise classes, walking groups, book clubs, card games, choir, chapel services, art classes, lectures, and bus trips to stores and concerts are common. Go to each one two or three times before you decide, because the first visit rarely shows you what the group is like.
If the activities don’t fit you, help shape them. Many communities have a residents’ council, a group of residents who meet with management and help plan events. Bring an idea, such as a woodworking club, a current events discussion, a poker night, or a gardening group. Residents who start an activity often meet the people who become their closest friends there, because they share an interest from the start.
Offering a skill helps too. If you taught school, ran a business, played piano, or kept bees, there may be a way to share it, by teaching a class, leading a discussion, or helping in the library. Being useful to other people is one of the steadiest ways into a new place. Some residents volunteer outside the community as well, at a school, a food pantry, or a hospital, if transportation allows.
Keeping your old friends and ties
Moving doesn’t have to end old friendships. Send your new address and phone number to friends, neighbors, and your old congregation in the first few weeks, with a note that says when you’re happy to have visitors. Invite one old friend to lunch in the dining room, since many communities let residents bring guests for a small fee.
Set up standing phone calls with two or three people who matter to you, such as a sister on Sunday afternoon or an old neighbor on Wednesday morning. Keep your phone charged and easy to reach, and ask a family member or the activity staff to help with video calls if you’d like to see faces.
If you can still get to your old church, club, or coffee group, ask about rides. Many communities run a bus to nearby stores and places of worship, and some old friends will be glad to pick you up. Keeping one thread to your old life while you build new ones makes the change easier. If friends have moved away or died, after friends moved covers losing a circle and building a new one, and lonely in a new city may help if the move took you far from home.
For family: what helps a parent settle in
If you’re reading this for a parent or other relative, your support in the first months matters a great deal. Regular, predictable contact usually helps more than long, anxious visits. A call at the same time each day or every few days, and visits on set days, give your parent fixed points in the week to look forward to without making the new place feel like a waiting room between visits.
When you visit, join your parent for a meal in the dining room or go to an activity together. That helps them meet people with you beside them, and residents will start to recognize them. Bring photos, a favorite blanket, and the small objects from home that make a room feel familiar.
Tell the staff about your parent as a person. A short page with their nickname, their old job, their hobbies, how they take their coffee, and what time of day is hardest for them can help staff make introductions and notice when they seem off. Ask the activity director to introduce your parent to two or three residents with shared interests.
Listen when your parent complains, without rushing to fix every problem or defending the move. “That sounds hard” is often more welcome than “But it’s so nice here.” Respect their choices about how much to join in, since their mind and their days remain their own. Questions about their health, medicine, or level of care belong with their doctor and the care team, so bring your worries there.
Watch for signs that settling in has stalled. If, after several weeks, your parent rarely leaves the apartment, eats very little, sleeps much more than usual, seems hopeless, or says they don’t want to live, talk with the care team and their doctor promptly. If they say they want to die, call or text 988 with them or call 911.
When it’s more than settling in
Sadness and homesickness in the first months are common. Still, loneliness that doesn’t ease can turn into a heavier problem, such as depression. Talk with your doctor if, for two weeks or more, you’ve felt low most of the day, lost interest in people and pastimes you used to enjoy, slept or eaten much more or less than usual, or felt hopeless. Depression is a medical condition, it is treatable, and it isn’t a normal part of getting older. The depression room explains more.
If you take any prescribed medicine, keep taking it as prescribed through the move and after. A new place can change routines, so ask the nurse or your pharmacist for help keeping doses on time, and bring any questions to the doctor who prescribed it.
If you feel unsafe, mistreated, or ignored by staff, tell someone you trust and ask to speak with the director. Every state has a Long-Term Care Ombudsman program, which advocates for residents of nursing homes and assisted living and can help resolve complaints. The Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 can connect you with yours.
Common questions
Is it normal to feel lonely in assisted living?
Yes, many people feel lonely in assisted living or a retirement community, especially in the first months. You’ve left your home, neighbors, and routines at once, and the people around you are still strangers. Being surrounded by people you don’t know yet can feel lonelier than living alone. For most people the feeling eases with time, and it often eases faster when you eat in the dining room, try a regular activity, and keep in touch with old friends. If you feel low most days for two weeks or more, tell your doctor.
How long does it take to adjust to independent living?
Settling in takes some people a few weeks and others several months, and there’s no deadline. The first weeks are often the hardest, with tiredness, homesickness, and the strain of meeting many new people at once. It helps to set one small goal each week, such as eating one meal in the dining room, going to one activity, or learning three new names. Bringing familiar belongings, keeping regular calls with old friends, and finding one or two people to start with can make the new place feel like home sooner.
How do I make friends in a retirement community?
Most friendships in senior living start in the dining room, so eat there as often as you can and ask to be placed at a table with friendly residents. Ask whether your community has a welcome committee or resident ambassadors. Try activities two or three times each before deciding, and consider starting a club around an interest you already have. Short chats in the mailroom, lobby, and laundry room add up. Start with one or two people, and invite one of them to walk to lunch with you.
What can family do to help a parent who is lonely in assisted living?
Keep contact regular and predictable, with calls at the same time and visits on set days. Join your parent for meals in the dining room or for an activity, so they meet people with you there. Give the staff a short page about your parent as a person, and ask the activity director to introduce them to residents with shared interests. Listen to complaints without rushing to fix them. If your parent seems hopeless, stops eating, or rarely leaves the apartment for weeks, talk with the care team and their doctor promptly.
What if I hate it where I live now?
Disliking a new place in the first months is common, and the feeling often softens as routines and friendships form. Give it some time while you try the dining room, an activity or two, and a few new names. Write down what bothers you most, and bring specific problems to the director or the residents’ council. If you feel unsafe or mistreated, the Long-Term Care Ombudsman program in your state can help, and the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 can connect you. If you’re thinking about moving, talk it over with family and your doctor.
Learn more from trusted sources
These public health agencies explain social connection and low mood in more detail than this site does.
- Tips for staying connected from the National Institute on Aging lists practical ways to see and hear from people more often.
- Social connection from the CDC explains why time with other people matters for your health.
- Depression and older adults from the National Institute on Aging describes what depression can look like and how it is treated.
If you need care
If you’re in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 now, before you read any further. You don’t need a good reason or the right words. If you’re outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a local crisis line. If you live in a community with staff on site, you can also pull the call cord or tell the nurse right away.
If you’re not in crisis but the loneliness has come with a heavier feeling, like a flat mood most days, a tiredness sleep doesn’t fix, or a sense that tomorrow has shrunk, tell your doctor. Keep any prescribed medicine as prescribed until you’ve talked it over together. There’s more in the loneliness room and its questions and answers, short definitions in the glossary (including loneliness), and short answers in the FAQ. This page is not yet medically reviewed.